One ponytail per realtionship

Now, I’m not one to give love and relationship advice. If anything, I should be the one asking for it. A lot of my friends have types. Actually, most women think they have the same type: someone who’s smart, funny, attractive, charming, great with kids, drives a nice (but not too nice car), loves his mother, got/gets good grades, played/plays sports and is employed. Did I just describe your perfect man? Well sister (or brother), I just described everyone’s perfect man.

I do have one rule that I live by, well date by, at least: One ponytail per relationship.

With cheese being the only exception, there can be too much of a good thing. Ponytails definitely qualify as a good thing. I wear a ponytail at least part of everyday. Two ponytails is just too many. I’m not talking about pigtails, those are acceptable under the age of 10 and other special circumstances, like wearing a cowboy hat, french braids and staring as Hedi in a play.

I am talking about relationships. One ponytail per relationship, that is a strict rule.

Everyone take a second and grab you hair with both of your hands. Pull it to the back of your head. Can you make a ponytail? Yes. Then hopefully your significant other has the opposite response to that question. Please see chart below for clarification.

A ponytail is very powerful. A lot of men can’t handle the regalness of an updo. It says I have things to do and my long, wonderful hair could get in the way of curing cancer or typing many words per minute or eating breakfast. If you’ve never had a ponytail you probably just rolled your eyes. If you have, you just copied and pasted that sentence as your gchat staus or something.

I am not saying there can only be one powerful person in a relationship. I do not believe that at all. You know I’m a feminist. I’ll all over equality. I’m just clarifying one ponytail is just right. Two gets weird.

Two ponytails means a lot of hair in the shower drain. It means sharing ponytail holders and brushes and curl gel. That’s twice as many bobby pins and the chance of a repeat updo. Everyone knows when you’re trying to leave the house, one person needs to work on his/her hair as the other makes sure we have the present or check the directions or feed the cat. Two ponytails could mean a disaster.

All of these things could lead to a lot of tension in a relationship. This is why two ponytail mates can’t stay together.

Just ask Katy and Russell.

I’m not trying to exclude homosexual couples, Ellen and Portia figured it out!

Looks like it’s time for you and your significant other to sit down and have the ponytail talk. Who needs that ponytail? (In every relationship I’ve ever been in it’s me. My hair would resemble Cory Matthews if I cut it too short. Half of me wants to use Face in a Hole to put my photo on Cory’s face, but I won’t.) Let’s be civil and fair and think of all the investments we’ve made in products and time on our manes over the years. Let’s work together to come to a conclusion. You can do it.