A letter to Baby Blue

11 Jan

Dear Blue Ivy, (Beyonce & Jay-Z’s baby for those of you who use this blog as your only tie to the outside world)

Welcome to the world! We’re so happy you are finally here, even if they did have to shut down an entire floor of a hospital while you were being birthed. Photos of you have not made it to the internets yet, but I’m sure you are a beautiful little baby. I hope your business-savvy parents wait and sell exclusive photos to People magazine to bolster your college fund. Education is important, even if your parents are ultra-famous, trust me, I know.

Can you ask your mom if I can borrow this blazer? Kthanx.

Be grateful you are just a baby and therefore don’t have to follow boring things like the 18th season of American Idol or the train wreck of the GOP. Hopefully by the time you are old enough to form opinions and memories, both of these issues will be resolved, but no promises.

I know you’re a week old, and I’d hate to put any pressure on you this early, but there’s something you NEED to know. You have incredible shoes to fill. Literally, Beyonce, your mom wears great shoes. Also, on a metaphorical level you should know people expect you to do great things, like your parents have.

The least you can do is inspire your parents to create wonderful art for the rest of us to buy and fund your family vacations to Bora Bora and France. Jay-Z already wrote a rap about you. I mean, did he have that ahead of time or was he really that inspired? Doesn’t matter. Blue, it’s your duty to keep this up. Don’t let your parents slowly slip out of the limelight and the creative sphere to change your diapers and cart you to birthday parties of other celebrity children.  Take one for the team here. I expect another soulful, danceable album from your mom in the next two years, or else.

If you prefer, take a less passive role and start rapping, singing, dancing and acting in the Austin Powers films. Just kidding on the last one. You have the ungoverned potential to out-whip Willow, wear cowboy boot betters than Miley and win a dance off with the Biebs. You can take back the scorned title of child star that was put to shame by Drew Barrymore, Christina Ricci, Macaulay Culkin and Hillary Duff. The potential of your talent is completely limitless.

One more thing to get off my chest: I’m insanely jealous of you! Beyonce is your mother. Now, I’m not saying my mom didn’t do a good job because she really is the best. Beyonce is one of my heroes. She has great hair and legs, obvi. She is a killer dancer. Her voice is beautiful. She is incredibly successful because not only is she talented, but she also surrounds herself with smart people. I have to rely  on the second part of that because unlike your mother, I’m not really that talented.

You were born a diva. The rest of us had to work hard to get there. I lost at least a precious year and a half of my diva reign just learning to talk and walk. You did not.

Enjoy these first few weeks of relative privacy, then be prepared to fill your baby book with clips from tabloids covering your every onesie, misplaced hair and dropped binky. Just know that I’m available anytime if you need a babysitter.

Your biggest fan,

Shannon

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